Here are some interesting insect facts!
Houseflies find sugar with their feet, which are 10 million times more sensitive than human tongues.
Ants can lift and carry more than 50 times there own weight.
Insects have been present for 350 million years, and humans for only 130,000 years.
Beetles account for one quarter of all known species of plants and animals. There are more kinds of beetles than all plants.
Termites eat through wood 2 times faster when listening to rock music.
There are nearly as many species of ants (8,800) as there are species of birds (9,000) in the world
In short insects are the most successful and adaptable animals on earth. They are amazing. Life on earth would cease if they were to disappear. It has come to my attention recently though that my family have an entirely new use for insects. It seems we use them to make a point. ....
Example 1) A few years ago my eldest boy refused to let me remove a dead fly from a shelf in the dining room. I came down the next morning to find he had put half a grape next to the little body, in case it got hungry.Point?" I WANT A PET! GET ME A PET! I CAN LOOK AFTER IT! GET ME A LION OR A HORSE OR AN ABALONE OR SOMETHING! BUT GET IT NOW!!!!!"
Example 2) My youngest getting out of bed and running downstairs saying "I can hear a wasp! I can hear it coming to get me. It's gonna sting me MUMMMEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Point? "You shouldn't have put me to bed you bloody idiots. I should be allowed to sit downstairs until the early hours farting and eating my own body weight in chocolate".
Example 3) My wife found a dead fly on the bathroom floor. She stepped over it. It was there for 3 weeks. Point? "Why should I pick up the dead fly? There are three males in this bloody house. Lets just see if my bloody useless husband notices and can actually be arsed to deal with it!"
Example 4) I found a dead fly on the bathroom floor. I stepped over it. It was there for three weeks. Point? "There's a dead fly there. I KNOW my wife will have seen it. She's conducting an experiment to see if I will pick it up. I'm gonna leave it there to see just how fucking annoyed she's gonna get before actually EXPLODING! This is gonna be fun!!!!"
Insects. Useful.
Friday 15 November 2013
Excuse me sir! You seem to be driving whilst philosophising.
So you're driving down the motorway and listening to your kids have an 'upper register' discussion about wether a 'look' constitutes actual physical assault ( my 3 year old near hysterical screams seem to indicate it is up there with being stabbed, whereas my 8 year contends that ' it's just a loooook,' with added head roll). Then you pass a sign that says 'This sign is not in use' ......
So... It isn't in use....but you have just read it...so it is. So the sign is lying... But it's not.... Because it is... Or not? So if it is and it isn't does that mean it exists in 2 different states? So does that mean it's there at all? Do I exist in 2 different states? Is there another me that is not permanently beset by school sent colds, crushing tiredness and permanent skintness? Am I really a bronzed god driving a Ferrari to my private jet for a trip to my own island? Do I have no kids in the back really?
At this point I am caught behind the left earlobe by the chewed off leg of the Yellow Power Ranger followed swiftly by the request that if I don't stop the car immediately someone is gonna poo theirselves as 'it's coming out!!!!!!!!'
So this is it then.......Schroedinger......stick your cat up your arse...
So... It isn't in use....but you have just read it...so it is. So the sign is lying... But it's not.... Because it is... Or not? So if it is and it isn't does that mean it exists in 2 different states? So does that mean it's there at all? Do I exist in 2 different states? Is there another me that is not permanently beset by school sent colds, crushing tiredness and permanent skintness? Am I really a bronzed god driving a Ferrari to my private jet for a trip to my own island? Do I have no kids in the back really?
At this point I am caught behind the left earlobe by the chewed off leg of the Yellow Power Ranger followed swiftly by the request that if I don't stop the car immediately someone is gonna poo theirselves as 'it's coming out!!!!!!!!'
So this is it then.......Schroedinger......stick your cat up your arse...
Friday 25 October 2013
Help me! Simons blog
It is with regret that I have to inform you all that I have agreed to row early on Sunday morning. I know this is not actually noteworthy, but the thing is I have not set foot in a gig, whaler, or seine boat for nearly 14 months and may be too unfit to even lift an oar. I anticipate that that after about 20 minutes I will start bleeding from the eyeballs and soon after my internal organs may show their disapproval by spontaneously erupting. To complicate the matter it seems that there is going to be the start of an extremely bad storm which is likely to capsize the boat and send my now deformed body to the deep.
I am telling you this because when my crab nibbled remains eventually wash up on a south Devon beach I anticipate you being able to read about my discovery being covered in a variety of newspapers under the following headings..
The Sun - "Hideous Prehistoric Carcass Washed Up on Devon Beach. Scientist say this is proof of Nessies existence!!"
Socialist Worker - "Bloated Capitalist Dies After Eating Own Yacht!"
The Telegraph - " HS2 Link Hits Further Snag"
The Star - "Deadly Poisonous False Widow Spider Causes Man To Turn Himself Inside Out! Minister says ' One of these bit my wife in the boob. The swelled up to 44DD! Where's the problem?'"
The Daily Mail - "Roma Launch 'Torpedo' Immigrant Attack! Insider says specially trained gypninjas are being fired through the english channel in order to explode next to Brtitish children. This could destroy the very fabric of our society........if only Diana were still here......"
I am telling you this because when my crab nibbled remains eventually wash up on a south Devon beach I anticipate you being able to read about my discovery being covered in a variety of newspapers under the following headings..
The Sun - "Hideous Prehistoric Carcass Washed Up on Devon Beach. Scientist say this is proof of Nessies existence!!"
Socialist Worker - "Bloated Capitalist Dies After Eating Own Yacht!"
The Telegraph - " HS2 Link Hits Further Snag"
The Star - "Deadly Poisonous False Widow Spider Causes Man To Turn Himself Inside Out! Minister says ' One of these bit my wife in the boob. The swelled up to 44DD! Where's the problem?'"
The Daily Mail - "Roma Launch 'Torpedo' Immigrant Attack! Insider says specially trained gypninjas are being fired through the english channel in order to explode next to Brtitish children. This could destroy the very fabric of our society........if only Diana were still here......"
Wednesday 25 September 2013
Simon's blog; Bored of charades?
Although the children have just gone back to school and it's still warm enough to flash the milkman..............ahem..........anyone who has visited a supermarket recently will leave having no doubts that christmas is here NOW!
Yes that's right, even though it may seem as though we have months until the coke trucks arrive, aisles full of mince pies with a november sell by date prove beyond doubt that we have to start planning for the big day.
I know that after dinner entertainment on christmas day tends to be a straight choice between watching a sacked actor make his spectacular soap exit, or watching Grandad do a slightly disturbing mime of 'Whatever Happened to Baby Jane' in charades. But now, thanks to my wonderful children, I have invented a quite spiffing parlour game for all ages! I think our victorian ancestors, gathered around a hearty fire and cracking their filberts, would have been absolutely beside themselves to have a game of what I have called
"What the f....?"
It is a hugely entertaining amalgam of charades, kerplunk, 20 questions, and the once popular online site 'rate my poo.'
Ok. Ready? This is how you play.
1) Simply let your 7 year old visit the toilet for a apparently much needed number 2 accompanied by a favourite small toy.
2) Wait for slightly anguished cry followed by the word daddy. For full effect the word daddy must be said in a rising, followed by a falling, manner. i.e. "daddEEE! DADDEeee!" This is the signal for a game to start.
3) Enter the toilet to find your son, wearing a confused look, holding a HALF USED piece of toilet paper, and complaining loudly that his toy car had somehow fallen from his hand and landed in the recently soiled bowl.
4) Now the fun begins. All you have to do is try to retrieve the car with a hastily found implement that you will NEVER USE AGAIN!!!!!!! In this instance......a pair of chopsticks (don't ask..)
5) Whilst doing this task there are certain other rules which must be obeyed. You must not gag. You must try to ask half of 20 questions (I don't mean 10 questions, I mean half of 20 questions. e.g " What the fu.......? How the bloo.......? If you were SITTING DOWN what the..........? Why...........?) These questions must be asked in an increasingly high voice until the last one is only audible by dogs. You must also try to interpret the answers from the , frankly, nonsense mimes that your son is doing in response to the questions.
6) The winner is determined by being the person who is NOT on their hands and knees staring into the abyss in the vain hope the thing they are stirring round is in fact a miniature beige vauxhall astra......i.e it's never gonna be daddy....
I really feel that with enough support we could get the game into the shops by the end of november and record xmas sales are sure to follow......
Yes that's right, even though it may seem as though we have months until the coke trucks arrive, aisles full of mince pies with a november sell by date prove beyond doubt that we have to start planning for the big day.
I know that after dinner entertainment on christmas day tends to be a straight choice between watching a sacked actor make his spectacular soap exit, or watching Grandad do a slightly disturbing mime of 'Whatever Happened to Baby Jane' in charades. But now, thanks to my wonderful children, I have invented a quite spiffing parlour game for all ages! I think our victorian ancestors, gathered around a hearty fire and cracking their filberts, would have been absolutely beside themselves to have a game of what I have called
"What the f....?"
It is a hugely entertaining amalgam of charades, kerplunk, 20 questions, and the once popular online site 'rate my poo.'
Ok. Ready? This is how you play.
1) Simply let your 7 year old visit the toilet for a apparently much needed number 2 accompanied by a favourite small toy.
2) Wait for slightly anguished cry followed by the word daddy. For full effect the word daddy must be said in a rising, followed by a falling, manner. i.e. "daddEEE! DADDEeee!" This is the signal for a game to start.
3) Enter the toilet to find your son, wearing a confused look, holding a HALF USED piece of toilet paper, and complaining loudly that his toy car had somehow fallen from his hand and landed in the recently soiled bowl.
4) Now the fun begins. All you have to do is try to retrieve the car with a hastily found implement that you will NEVER USE AGAIN!!!!!!! In this instance......a pair of chopsticks (don't ask..)
5) Whilst doing this task there are certain other rules which must be obeyed. You must not gag. You must try to ask half of 20 questions (I don't mean 10 questions, I mean half of 20 questions. e.g " What the fu.......? How the bloo.......? If you were SITTING DOWN what the..........? Why...........?) These questions must be asked in an increasingly high voice until the last one is only audible by dogs. You must also try to interpret the answers from the , frankly, nonsense mimes that your son is doing in response to the questions.
6) The winner is determined by being the person who is NOT on their hands and knees staring into the abyss in the vain hope the thing they are stirring round is in fact a miniature beige vauxhall astra......i.e it's never gonna be daddy....
I really feel that with enough support we could get the game into the shops by the end of november and record xmas sales are sure to follow......
Thursday 4 July 2013
The Course. Adoption Diary
As time goes on in your assessment you almost begin to relax. The natural rhythm of weekly visits moves you closer to the ultimate goal of approval and eventual adoption, but somehow for us the reality of the total change in our life still seemed distant.
Then we went on......the course.
There is a scene in the brilliant film 'Airplane' where an hysterical woman gets slapped round the face in an attempt to calm her down. Then someone else has a go...and then the camera pans back to see a queue of people holding baseball bats, tennis racquets, bottles etc, all lining up to take their turn.
There would come a time on the course where we felt like that woman after the queue had all had a pop.
It's a 3 day course, and it gives you a chance to meet and talk to everyone. Others who are going through the assessment process, social workers, child experts, those who have adopted, and those who have been adopted. Your precious little preconceived ideas become cracked, broken and soon swept away by a tidal wave of cold hard realism.
The first thing we did was meet the others on the course. These were the people who, like us, where working there way through assessment. I was struck by the variety of their stories. A few were the same as us. Couples who could not have a family naturally and had immediately chosen adoption as the best option. There were others who had already had kids and were looking to adopt purely because they felt compelled to give a child a home. And there were some who had tried every single avenue to have their own children. Every treatment had been tried. Every hope had been extinguished. To them adoption was the very last chance they would have of having their own family. I must admit I found these guys the most difficult to converse with. There was a desperation in them. A tension in how they looked and spoke which hinted heavily at the pressure they felt. It wasn't that I didn't like or get on with them. But I felt uncomfortable when my slightly laid back, jokey manner, was contrasted against their heavily focused, deadly seriousness.
The rest of the day was spent in talks with a number of of experts. And it was a complete eye opener. My belief that adopting a baby would be the easy option was soon smashed. It was made clear that there are no undamaged children in the care system...and that includes babies. (I have since learned from experience that this is more than true...believe me!) The seriousness of the damage may vary. The time of when problems occur may vary. The symptoms may vary. But the perfect, trouble free adopted child just does not exist.
Although I felt slightly deflated after the first day I was soon to learn it was a walk in the park compared to day 2.
Day 2 ripped my heart out. When you watch the news or read the paper about the abuse of a child it is heart wrenching, but you can get up and make a cuppa. You can close the paper and go for a walk. You can escape. When there are people sat 6 feet away from you talking about their experiences there is no hiding place. We had stories from social workers, from child psychologists, from adopters/foster carers, and from brave brave people who had been abused as children and now wanted to help by sharing what they had been through. Of all the horrible stories the one that sticks in my mind is from an adopter. She had adopted a young girl who had been taken into care to protect her from her birth father. Social services knew the father was violent towards her but thought that was as far as it went. After many months in her adopted home the girl calmly walked in, sat down at the kitchen table, and started to talk to her adopted mother about the sexual abuse she had been subjected to by her birth father. The adopted mother had to carry on washing up, stay calm so as not to scare her daughter or give her the impression that she was doing anything wrong, and just listen while this small girl unburdened herself of secrets no child should feel they have to keep.
I went into day 3 with a heavy heart. But what an incredible day. Day 2 nearly broke us. I think that was the point. Our social worker told us that if people were going to drop out of the adoption process they usually did it after the course. The reality has to be confronted. The worst case scenarios have to be told honestly and brutally. Adopters may never have to be confronted by terrible issues, but there is a good chance they might. And you have to be able to deal with it. Because who else is there?
But after the depths came the heights. The speakers on day three were mostly adults who had been adopted.These were people who had been confronted by the many different issues adoption brings. They were incredible. The tales were not relentlessly happy, but they all ended on one note. How their lives had been made better by being adopted by good people. How proud they were of their adopted parents. How good people can make a difference to young lives.
People like us.
And we walked out of that gruelling 3 day course thinking that it had been worth it. And that whatever happens in the future has got to be worth it. Hard as it might be.
The fear didn't leave us, but maybe our confidence and resolve grew just a bit.
And so onward to the panel and, hopefully, approval.
belie
Then we went on......the course.
There is a scene in the brilliant film 'Airplane' where an hysterical woman gets slapped round the face in an attempt to calm her down. Then someone else has a go...and then the camera pans back to see a queue of people holding baseball bats, tennis racquets, bottles etc, all lining up to take their turn.
There would come a time on the course where we felt like that woman after the queue had all had a pop.
It's a 3 day course, and it gives you a chance to meet and talk to everyone. Others who are going through the assessment process, social workers, child experts, those who have adopted, and those who have been adopted. Your precious little preconceived ideas become cracked, broken and soon swept away by a tidal wave of cold hard realism.
The first thing we did was meet the others on the course. These were the people who, like us, where working there way through assessment. I was struck by the variety of their stories. A few were the same as us. Couples who could not have a family naturally and had immediately chosen adoption as the best option. There were others who had already had kids and were looking to adopt purely because they felt compelled to give a child a home. And there were some who had tried every single avenue to have their own children. Every treatment had been tried. Every hope had been extinguished. To them adoption was the very last chance they would have of having their own family. I must admit I found these guys the most difficult to converse with. There was a desperation in them. A tension in how they looked and spoke which hinted heavily at the pressure they felt. It wasn't that I didn't like or get on with them. But I felt uncomfortable when my slightly laid back, jokey manner, was contrasted against their heavily focused, deadly seriousness.
The rest of the day was spent in talks with a number of of experts. And it was a complete eye opener. My belief that adopting a baby would be the easy option was soon smashed. It was made clear that there are no undamaged children in the care system...and that includes babies. (I have since learned from experience that this is more than true...believe me!) The seriousness of the damage may vary. The time of when problems occur may vary. The symptoms may vary. But the perfect, trouble free adopted child just does not exist.
Although I felt slightly deflated after the first day I was soon to learn it was a walk in the park compared to day 2.
Day 2 ripped my heart out. When you watch the news or read the paper about the abuse of a child it is heart wrenching, but you can get up and make a cuppa. You can close the paper and go for a walk. You can escape. When there are people sat 6 feet away from you talking about their experiences there is no hiding place. We had stories from social workers, from child psychologists, from adopters/foster carers, and from brave brave people who had been abused as children and now wanted to help by sharing what they had been through. Of all the horrible stories the one that sticks in my mind is from an adopter. She had adopted a young girl who had been taken into care to protect her from her birth father. Social services knew the father was violent towards her but thought that was as far as it went. After many months in her adopted home the girl calmly walked in, sat down at the kitchen table, and started to talk to her adopted mother about the sexual abuse she had been subjected to by her birth father. The adopted mother had to carry on washing up, stay calm so as not to scare her daughter or give her the impression that she was doing anything wrong, and just listen while this small girl unburdened herself of secrets no child should feel they have to keep.
I went into day 3 with a heavy heart. But what an incredible day. Day 2 nearly broke us. I think that was the point. Our social worker told us that if people were going to drop out of the adoption process they usually did it after the course. The reality has to be confronted. The worst case scenarios have to be told honestly and brutally. Adopters may never have to be confronted by terrible issues, but there is a good chance they might. And you have to be able to deal with it. Because who else is there?
But after the depths came the heights. The speakers on day three were mostly adults who had been adopted.These were people who had been confronted by the many different issues adoption brings. They were incredible. The tales were not relentlessly happy, but they all ended on one note. How their lives had been made better by being adopted by good people. How proud they were of their adopted parents. How good people can make a difference to young lives.
People like us.
And we walked out of that gruelling 3 day course thinking that it had been worth it. And that whatever happens in the future has got to be worth it. Hard as it might be.
The fear didn't leave us, but maybe our confidence and resolve grew just a bit.
And so onward to the panel and, hopefully, approval.
belie
Wednesday 19 June 2013
Product review JUVELA Gluten Free products
|There are certain things which usually manage to give me a feeling of approaching irritation.
TV experts, website popups, sporks (don't ask)..........and gluten free food.
My 3 year old son is a lively, healthy little boy who unfortunately has severe allergic reactions to many differing foods. He has a pretty varied diet and loves fruit & veg, but sometimes you can see he wants food he knows will make him poorly. Bread, pasta, biscuits, cakes etc. We have tried many gluten free products but the major feeling I get when he tries a GF product I have given him is embarrassment. There I am, the man he loves and trusts, trying to pass off heavy, stodgy, taste free food as special 'treats'. Too many times have his little eyes turned up to look deep into mine with the unsaid assertion that if I ever try to mix cardboard into his diet again he will put my Ipad down the toilet......
So all I can say is thank you to the good people of Juvela and their range of gluten free products. The first one we tried was their cereal flakes. Despite my sons deep scepticism of another one of daddy's "try it, it's yum!" moments, he gave it a go.....and loved them. He liked the flakes plain and crunchy. No milk. I, despite not actually NEEDING to eat them, couldn't help but eat the odd big bowl with milk and a sprinkling of dried mixed fruit. (purely for research purposes of course). Light, crunchy, tasty. Could the range actually restore my sons faith in me?
Emboldened by this sudden turn of events we moved on to the Juvela pastas. Fibre Penne first. Then Fusilli. Both were enthusiastically devoured by my son. And it actually didn't matter what was served with it. Tomato sauces with chicken. Cheese sauces with broccoli. The pasta was light and had none of the slight graininess which other GF pastas can have. Judging by the boys face it looked like he had actually put his head in the bowl and ate his way out.
By now, with my food hero status seemingly assured we moved on to the biggy. Flour. Or as Juvela calls it, Harvest White Mix. Both the bread and the cupcakes that were made seemed to go down well. Again there was a lightness which is rarely found in GF products. My son seemed to enjoy the almost unique experience of the whole family wanting to eat 'his' food for once. Thanks to Juvela it won't be a one off.
For more info on Juvela products go to www.juvela.co.uk
TV experts, website popups, sporks (don't ask)..........and gluten free food.
My 3 year old son is a lively, healthy little boy who unfortunately has severe allergic reactions to many differing foods. He has a pretty varied diet and loves fruit & veg, but sometimes you can see he wants food he knows will make him poorly. Bread, pasta, biscuits, cakes etc. We have tried many gluten free products but the major feeling I get when he tries a GF product I have given him is embarrassment. There I am, the man he loves and trusts, trying to pass off heavy, stodgy, taste free food as special 'treats'. Too many times have his little eyes turned up to look deep into mine with the unsaid assertion that if I ever try to mix cardboard into his diet again he will put my Ipad down the toilet......
So all I can say is thank you to the good people of Juvela and their range of gluten free products. The first one we tried was their cereal flakes. Despite my sons deep scepticism of another one of daddy's "try it, it's yum!" moments, he gave it a go.....and loved them. He liked the flakes plain and crunchy. No milk. I, despite not actually NEEDING to eat them, couldn't help but eat the odd big bowl with milk and a sprinkling of dried mixed fruit. (purely for research purposes of course). Light, crunchy, tasty. Could the range actually restore my sons faith in me?
Emboldened by this sudden turn of events we moved on to the Juvela pastas. Fibre Penne first. Then Fusilli. Both were enthusiastically devoured by my son. And it actually didn't matter what was served with it. Tomato sauces with chicken. Cheese sauces with broccoli. The pasta was light and had none of the slight graininess which other GF pastas can have. Judging by the boys face it looked like he had actually put his head in the bowl and ate his way out.
By now, with my food hero status seemingly assured we moved on to the biggy. Flour. Or as Juvela calls it, Harvest White Mix. Both the bread and the cupcakes that were made seemed to go down well. Again there was a lightness which is rarely found in GF products. My son seemed to enjoy the almost unique experience of the whole family wanting to eat 'his' food for once. Thanks to Juvela it won't be a one off.
For more info on Juvela products go to www.juvela.co.uk
Tuesday 5 March 2013
Big night out - Simons blog
With Cern finding the elusive Higgs Boson particle last year it has been widely reported that, theoretically, time travel may now be possible. Well I am here too tell you with the shuddering cliche that science fiction is now...science fact.
It was a couple of weeks ago when I took my 7 year old and his best mate out early on a friday evening for fish and chips. As we ate we talked, (sorry, they talked, I listened) they drank some cola, I had a half of beer, they drank some of that, they burped, we laughed. It was fun.
As we walked back to my house my boy, who had not been feeling too well, attempted to fart. It became immediately clear from his raised eyebrows and desperate clenching that he had been slightly overambitious in his attempt and the fart was slightly less 'ethereal' than he intended it to be. Lets just say there was more 'substance' than he was hoping for.
Anyway we got him home, cleaned him up, they had a play,and then it was time to drive his mate home. The 3 of us got in the car and being early friday the radio was pumping out 'club classics', so they turned it up to earsplitting volume and I drove while 2 small lunatics threw themselves a round the car.
So we get back to the friends house, jump out of the car and the boys Dad opens the front door and says 'Hi son. Have you had a good night?'
It was at this very point where time leapt forward approximately 11 years. I was no longer with two little 7 year olds but instead all I could see were 2 big hairy arsed 18year olds who had just got home from a big friday night out.... because they said exactly this......
My sons friend 'Yeah we had a great night, we went to the chippy and we drank beer and we have had loads of coke and then we have been dancing to some banging tooooooooooooones!'
At which point my son jumps in front of the door and with unconfined glee shouts 'Yeah....AND I SHIT MYSELF!'
It was a couple of weeks ago when I took my 7 year old and his best mate out early on a friday evening for fish and chips. As we ate we talked, (sorry, they talked, I listened) they drank some cola, I had a half of beer, they drank some of that, they burped, we laughed. It was fun.
As we walked back to my house my boy, who had not been feeling too well, attempted to fart. It became immediately clear from his raised eyebrows and desperate clenching that he had been slightly overambitious in his attempt and the fart was slightly less 'ethereal' than he intended it to be. Lets just say there was more 'substance' than he was hoping for.
Anyway we got him home, cleaned him up, they had a play,and then it was time to drive his mate home. The 3 of us got in the car and being early friday the radio was pumping out 'club classics', so they turned it up to earsplitting volume and I drove while 2 small lunatics threw themselves a round the car.
So we get back to the friends house, jump out of the car and the boys Dad opens the front door and says 'Hi son. Have you had a good night?'
It was at this very point where time leapt forward approximately 11 years. I was no longer with two little 7 year olds but instead all I could see were 2 big hairy arsed 18year olds who had just got home from a big friday night out.... because they said exactly this......
My sons friend 'Yeah we had a great night, we went to the chippy and we drank beer and we have had loads of coke and then we have been dancing to some banging tooooooooooooones!'
At which point my son jumps in front of the door and with unconfined glee shouts 'Yeah....AND I SHIT MYSELF!'
Monday 4 March 2013
"Is it safe?" - Adoption diary
Is torture making a comeback? Or did it never really go away?
Temporarily forgetting the horrors of recent true life, what is it about torture on the silver screen that seems to fascinate people? You can divide it into 2 types I think. There's the sadistic torture of a lot of horror movies. No rhyme or reason except for the torturers own gratification. And then there's the trying to get people to talk.
Several iconic scenes in movies are etched into popular culture with their ability to scare the crap out of us by just watching someone else be induced to talk aginst their will.
Everyone knows a famous torture scene. The bit in Marathon Man where Dustin gets an improptu dental check up. The scene in Casino Royale where Daniel ruins a perfectly good chair. And, of course, the bit in Mama Mia just after the opening credits where the whole cast says and sings stuff until just before the closing credits.
People love historic torture. Castle dungeons, the spanish inquisition, witch trials...etc. It's all worryingly popular
And now of course it seems not a month goes by without word of some atrocity.
So, have you ever wondered how you would fare if someone wanted to make you talk? Would you laugh in a manly way, a la Daniel Craig? Would you remain stoic and silent? Or would you spill everything as soon as possible? What do you think you could withstand?
I know my worst torture. It happened to me. Someone wanted me to talk and I cracked under the pressure. Want to know what horrors happened to me to make such a man of steel (yes...I mean me!) prattle on like a...prattling thing?
Uncomfortable silences.
Yup...that's it...I am a wuss. And my Social Worker picked up on this like a terrier on a rodent. She would ask a question. I would give what I thought was an adequate answer. And she would just look at me...and wait....silently......and I would start to sweat....and then I would snap and talk some more...and some more...and some more. Even when my wife was giving me that raised eyebrow 'if you don't shut the f#*k up I'm going to garotte you with a used teatowel' look I carried on talking.
Eventually the SW would look at her watch, flip her pad shut and cheerily wave us goodbye till the next time while I lay weakly on the sofa like half a freshly squeezed orange. No pulp.
How long could I survive the weekly sessions? Not very long at this rate,
Temporarily forgetting the horrors of recent true life, what is it about torture on the silver screen that seems to fascinate people? You can divide it into 2 types I think. There's the sadistic torture of a lot of horror movies. No rhyme or reason except for the torturers own gratification. And then there's the trying to get people to talk.
Several iconic scenes in movies are etched into popular culture with their ability to scare the crap out of us by just watching someone else be induced to talk aginst their will.
Everyone knows a famous torture scene. The bit in Marathon Man where Dustin gets an improptu dental check up. The scene in Casino Royale where Daniel ruins a perfectly good chair. And, of course, the bit in Mama Mia just after the opening credits where the whole cast says and sings stuff until just before the closing credits.
People love historic torture. Castle dungeons, the spanish inquisition, witch trials...etc. It's all worryingly popular
And now of course it seems not a month goes by without word of some atrocity.
So, have you ever wondered how you would fare if someone wanted to make you talk? Would you laugh in a manly way, a la Daniel Craig? Would you remain stoic and silent? Or would you spill everything as soon as possible? What do you think you could withstand?
I know my worst torture. It happened to me. Someone wanted me to talk and I cracked under the pressure. Want to know what horrors happened to me to make such a man of steel (yes...I mean me!) prattle on like a...prattling thing?
Uncomfortable silences.
Yup...that's it...I am a wuss. And my Social Worker picked up on this like a terrier on a rodent. She would ask a question. I would give what I thought was an adequate answer. And she would just look at me...and wait....silently......and I would start to sweat....and then I would snap and talk some more...and some more...and some more. Even when my wife was giving me that raised eyebrow 'if you don't shut the f#*k up I'm going to garotte you with a used teatowel' look I carried on talking.
Eventually the SW would look at her watch, flip her pad shut and cheerily wave us goodbye till the next time while I lay weakly on the sofa like half a freshly squeezed orange. No pulp.
How long could I survive the weekly sessions? Not very long at this rate,
Wednesday 23 January 2013
A Frustrated Rant - Simons Blog
A play in 1 act.
Character List. Me - A humble peasant.
B - A Starbucks Barista.
Enter stage left.
M "Good morning. May I please have a cup of plain black coffee?"
B " Aah hello. I see that you have been coming here for 15 years and as such a loyal customer you have qualified for a Gold Loyalty card. Look it's shiny! And you can get lots of benefits."
M " Marvellous. So what benefits do I get?"
B "Well. You will always be guaranteed a seat in the window."
M "Great!"
B "Yes...all you have to do is phone us at least 2 days in advance of your visit and we will make sure you have a lovely view."
M "Ummm right....anything else?"
B "Yes. If you have any children under the age of 6 they will get an espresso ABSOLUTELY FREE when you next visit! All you have to do is notify us at least 2 days before, by phone, and we will sort that out for you."
M "Errr okaaay..well I don't usually let my kids drink caff...never mind...Anything else?"
B " Of course! We will also give you a number that you can ring at any time and get FREE advice on any coffee related matter."
M "Riiight...for, like, my many coffee related emergencies and stuff...."
B " EXACTLY!! All you have to do is ring at least 2 days before you need your coffee related advice and we will book you in for an 'advice' call at a mutually convenient time. And remember, your card is also very shiny!"
M " Can I just have my coffee please?"
B " Certainly sir. Thats £4.50 please."
M "It says £3 up there!"
B "It does sir. But that's the price for new customers who have never been here before. You, as one of our loyal and valued customers, have to pay much more!"
M "Yes. Over 30% more. And why is that?"
B (sighs) " Oh sir. Surely you must understand that large companies have to attract new customers in order to survive"
M "ummm yes, but this means 1 of 2 things. Either the price you are giving for new customers still makes you a reasonable profit, in which case the price you quoted me is ridiculous money grabbing. Or you are doing the new customers coffee at cost, which effectively means you are overcharging loyal customers in order to subsidize your new customers. Right?"
B " Don't get angry. I think you'll find everybody does it sir."
M " I don't think they all do it?"
B ( bigger sigh) " Oh sir! Please don't pretend to know anything about business. Would you like to ring our coffee related advice call booking line? They promise to use small words and speak slowly?"
M " No thanks. I would just like to pay the same price everybody else pays for their coffee if that's ok."
B "Well you could, but you don't really want to. Because we can arrange for somebody to call you with an even better price. AND they can talk you through all your coffee options! We don't just do black coffee sir! There's lattes and cappuccino's and fr........"
M " I JUST WANT A PLAIN BLACK COFFEE AT THE BEST PRICE YOU CAN GIVE ME!!!"
B "...okay sir. No need to shout. Somebody will be pleased to phone you and discuss your coffee quote in the next 2 days."
M "But I want my coffee and and to pay for it now!!! I don't want to talk to somebody else. JUST GIVE ME A BLOODY PRICE!!!!!!!!"
B "Right! That's £2.50 then...."
M "Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"
B " Well. We thought you were an idiot sir."
M " What?"
B " We thought you were an idiot...and that if we gave you something shiny that's completely worthless first you would be dumb enough to just pay a shitload of money. It's sort of like shining a torch on a wall to distract a child while you nick their sweets. Now. Coffee?"
M "Actually.....I've just noticed a Costa over the road. Think I will just pop over there thanks.."
Now, obviously this didn't happen in Starbucks. I can see this is ridulous, you can see it's ridiculous, Starbucks would be out of business very quickly if they treated their customers like this. But this is pretty much what our own 'beloved' Automobile Association decided to do to me. So bye bye.
And just see what furious revenge I have taken by having an obscure rant on my blog which no one reads. Vengence is mine. MWAhhahahahahahahahahah...etc...
Character List. Me - A humble peasant.
B - A Starbucks Barista.
Enter stage left.
M "Good morning. May I please have a cup of plain black coffee?"
B " Aah hello. I see that you have been coming here for 15 years and as such a loyal customer you have qualified for a Gold Loyalty card. Look it's shiny! And you can get lots of benefits."
M " Marvellous. So what benefits do I get?"
B "Well. You will always be guaranteed a seat in the window."
M "Great!"
B "Yes...all you have to do is phone us at least 2 days in advance of your visit and we will make sure you have a lovely view."
M "Ummm right....anything else?"
B "Yes. If you have any children under the age of 6 they will get an espresso ABSOLUTELY FREE when you next visit! All you have to do is notify us at least 2 days before, by phone, and we will sort that out for you."
M "Errr okaaay..well I don't usually let my kids drink caff...never mind...Anything else?"
B " Of course! We will also give you a number that you can ring at any time and get FREE advice on any coffee related matter."
M "Riiight...for, like, my many coffee related emergencies and stuff...."
B " EXACTLY!! All you have to do is ring at least 2 days before you need your coffee related advice and we will book you in for an 'advice' call at a mutually convenient time. And remember, your card is also very shiny!"
M " Can I just have my coffee please?"
B " Certainly sir. Thats £4.50 please."
M "It says £3 up there!"
B "It does sir. But that's the price for new customers who have never been here before. You, as one of our loyal and valued customers, have to pay much more!"
M "Yes. Over 30% more. And why is that?"
B (sighs) " Oh sir. Surely you must understand that large companies have to attract new customers in order to survive"
M "ummm yes, but this means 1 of 2 things. Either the price you are giving for new customers still makes you a reasonable profit, in which case the price you quoted me is ridiculous money grabbing. Or you are doing the new customers coffee at cost, which effectively means you are overcharging loyal customers in order to subsidize your new customers. Right?"
B " Don't get angry. I think you'll find everybody does it sir."
M " I don't think they all do it?"
B ( bigger sigh) " Oh sir! Please don't pretend to know anything about business. Would you like to ring our coffee related advice call booking line? They promise to use small words and speak slowly?"
M " No thanks. I would just like to pay the same price everybody else pays for their coffee if that's ok."
B "Well you could, but you don't really want to. Because we can arrange for somebody to call you with an even better price. AND they can talk you through all your coffee options! We don't just do black coffee sir! There's lattes and cappuccino's and fr........"
M " I JUST WANT A PLAIN BLACK COFFEE AT THE BEST PRICE YOU CAN GIVE ME!!!"
B "...okay sir. No need to shout. Somebody will be pleased to phone you and discuss your coffee quote in the next 2 days."
M "But I want my coffee and and to pay for it now!!! I don't want to talk to somebody else. JUST GIVE ME A BLOODY PRICE!!!!!!!!"
B "Right! That's £2.50 then...."
M "Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"
B " Well. We thought you were an idiot sir."
M " What?"
B " We thought you were an idiot...and that if we gave you something shiny that's completely worthless first you would be dumb enough to just pay a shitload of money. It's sort of like shining a torch on a wall to distract a child while you nick their sweets. Now. Coffee?"
M "Actually.....I've just noticed a Costa over the road. Think I will just pop over there thanks.."
Now, obviously this didn't happen in Starbucks. I can see this is ridulous, you can see it's ridiculous, Starbucks would be out of business very quickly if they treated their customers like this. But this is pretty much what our own 'beloved' Automobile Association decided to do to me. So bye bye.
And just see what furious revenge I have taken by having an obscure rant on my blog which no one reads. Vengence is mine. MWAhhahahahahahahahahah...etc...
Wednesday 2 January 2013
Just answer the question.........Adoption Diary
How do you find the words to convince somebody you're not racist? How do you clearly express you're views on ethnicity? Or multi culturalism?
How do you frame a response to somebody proposing that you would not be able to promote to a child it's heritage and culture?
Ever thought about that?
No me neither.
When we closed the door to the Social Worker after her first visit we had much to ponder. She had agreed that we would be suitable to start the assessment which could lead to us becoming adopters. But there were a few caveats. The flat we were in was probably too small. There were stone steps directly outside leading to a road. We were near a pub. We were harbouring a portal to the underworld in our bathroom....... Ok the last one wasn't true but you get my drift.
The only thing to do was move. Easier said than done in a small town when we were going to have drop half of our income as one of us would quit there job when a child came along. It took at least 2 months from that initial visit to when the SW was ready to start the assessment. We didn't rest on our laurels. We house hunted. We furniture hunted. We looked for more suitable employment. We found every type of certificate we had. Birth, marriage, parents birth, parents marriage, driving licence, passport. My PHD was brought out and dusted off .(But as this was actually a Politeness and Helpfulness Diploma I was given from primary school I'm not sure how relevant it was)
What the hell I didn't think about was what questions they would actually ask. So when the SW next came around and showed us the weighty stack of papers with their weighty questions which would eventually be transformed into something called a 'Form F'(???), I dialled into my inner voice of calm reassurance, but found only white noise and something that sounded suspiciously like sobbing.......
There were sections on your family, your support systems, your life experiences, your beliefs, etc.etc.
A scary assault course in a noble quest for what is known as.....approval.
But then the SW starts to talk, and the questions start to get broken down into specifics. Small bitesize chunks. It's not easy, but it becomes less daunting. Do not be put off. And don't be afraid to talk. Eventually what you really want to say will come out. ( In my case wrapped in a whole lot of waffle).
Take the first question of this post. I'm proud to say that when I thought about it I realized that the best example I could ever give was something my wife had said years before. As a young woman she worked in a shop where one of the men working with her was a hugely disruptive influence. He just happened to be black. Anyway matters came to a head one day and an argument started. As it got more heated he shouted at my wife "You don't like me cos I'm black!" To which my wife replied without a single moments hesitation " I don't like you cos you're a prat!"
Just think about that. How many people would have pulled that answer because of who they were talking to? How many people would have hesitated and thought about it? Negative descrimination or positive descrimination, it still means you are thinking about a mans colour. My wife didn't. She saw a man who was acting like a prat and needed to be told that he was acting like a prat. As a man who has lived with her for over 20 years, I can confirm it's a mantra which she adheres to this day.
So you see. However small or insignificant you think an answer can be, there's always an answer.
And so onward to the SW weekly visits. Could it be I would actually start to not worry about them? Well we'll see....
How do you frame a response to somebody proposing that you would not be able to promote to a child it's heritage and culture?
Ever thought about that?
No me neither.
When we closed the door to the Social Worker after her first visit we had much to ponder. She had agreed that we would be suitable to start the assessment which could lead to us becoming adopters. But there were a few caveats. The flat we were in was probably too small. There were stone steps directly outside leading to a road. We were near a pub. We were harbouring a portal to the underworld in our bathroom....... Ok the last one wasn't true but you get my drift.
The only thing to do was move. Easier said than done in a small town when we were going to have drop half of our income as one of us would quit there job when a child came along. It took at least 2 months from that initial visit to when the SW was ready to start the assessment. We didn't rest on our laurels. We house hunted. We furniture hunted. We looked for more suitable employment. We found every type of certificate we had. Birth, marriage, parents birth, parents marriage, driving licence, passport. My PHD was brought out and dusted off .(But as this was actually a Politeness and Helpfulness Diploma I was given from primary school I'm not sure how relevant it was)
What the hell I didn't think about was what questions they would actually ask. So when the SW next came around and showed us the weighty stack of papers with their weighty questions which would eventually be transformed into something called a 'Form F'(???), I dialled into my inner voice of calm reassurance, but found only white noise and something that sounded suspiciously like sobbing.......
There were sections on your family, your support systems, your life experiences, your beliefs, etc.etc.
A scary assault course in a noble quest for what is known as.....approval.
But then the SW starts to talk, and the questions start to get broken down into specifics. Small bitesize chunks. It's not easy, but it becomes less daunting. Do not be put off. And don't be afraid to talk. Eventually what you really want to say will come out. ( In my case wrapped in a whole lot of waffle).
Take the first question of this post. I'm proud to say that when I thought about it I realized that the best example I could ever give was something my wife had said years before. As a young woman she worked in a shop where one of the men working with her was a hugely disruptive influence. He just happened to be black. Anyway matters came to a head one day and an argument started. As it got more heated he shouted at my wife "You don't like me cos I'm black!" To which my wife replied without a single moments hesitation " I don't like you cos you're a prat!"
Just think about that. How many people would have pulled that answer because of who they were talking to? How many people would have hesitated and thought about it? Negative descrimination or positive descrimination, it still means you are thinking about a mans colour. My wife didn't. She saw a man who was acting like a prat and needed to be told that he was acting like a prat. As a man who has lived with her for over 20 years, I can confirm it's a mantra which she adheres to this day.
So you see. However small or insignificant you think an answer can be, there's always an answer.
And so onward to the SW weekly visits. Could it be I would actually start to not worry about them? Well we'll see....
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