With Cern finding the elusive Higgs Boson particle last year it has been widely reported that, theoretically, time travel may now be possible. Well I am here too tell you with the shuddering cliche that science fiction is now...science fact.
It was a couple of weeks ago when I took my 7 year old and his best mate out early on a friday evening for fish and chips. As we ate we talked, (sorry, they talked, I listened) they drank some cola, I had a half of beer, they drank some of that, they burped, we laughed. It was fun.
As we walked back to my house my boy, who had not been feeling too well, attempted to fart. It became immediately clear from his raised eyebrows and desperate clenching that he had been slightly overambitious in his attempt and the fart was slightly less 'ethereal' than he intended it to be. Lets just say there was more 'substance' than he was hoping for.
Anyway we got him home, cleaned him up, they had a play,and then it was time to drive his mate home. The 3 of us got in the car and being early friday the radio was pumping out 'club classics', so they turned it up to earsplitting volume and I drove while 2 small lunatics threw themselves a round the car.
So we get back to the friends house, jump out of the car and the boys Dad opens the front door and says 'Hi son. Have you had a good night?'
It was at this very point where time leapt forward approximately 11 years. I was no longer with two little 7 year olds but instead all I could see were 2 big hairy arsed 18year olds who had just got home from a big friday night out.... because they said exactly this......
My sons friend 'Yeah we had a great night, we went to the chippy and we drank beer and we have had loads of coke and then we have been dancing to some banging tooooooooooooones!'
At which point my son jumps in front of the door and with unconfined glee shouts 'Yeah....AND I SHIT MYSELF!'
Tuesday 5 March 2013
Monday 4 March 2013
"Is it safe?" - Adoption diary
Is torture making a comeback? Or did it never really go away?
Temporarily forgetting the horrors of recent true life, what is it about torture on the silver screen that seems to fascinate people? You can divide it into 2 types I think. There's the sadistic torture of a lot of horror movies. No rhyme or reason except for the torturers own gratification. And then there's the trying to get people to talk.
Several iconic scenes in movies are etched into popular culture with their ability to scare the crap out of us by just watching someone else be induced to talk aginst their will.
Everyone knows a famous torture scene. The bit in Marathon Man where Dustin gets an improptu dental check up. The scene in Casino Royale where Daniel ruins a perfectly good chair. And, of course, the bit in Mama Mia just after the opening credits where the whole cast says and sings stuff until just before the closing credits.
People love historic torture. Castle dungeons, the spanish inquisition, witch trials...etc. It's all worryingly popular
And now of course it seems not a month goes by without word of some atrocity.
So, have you ever wondered how you would fare if someone wanted to make you talk? Would you laugh in a manly way, a la Daniel Craig? Would you remain stoic and silent? Or would you spill everything as soon as possible? What do you think you could withstand?
I know my worst torture. It happened to me. Someone wanted me to talk and I cracked under the pressure. Want to know what horrors happened to me to make such a man of steel (yes...I mean me!) prattle on like a...prattling thing?
Uncomfortable silences.
Yup...that's it...I am a wuss. And my Social Worker picked up on this like a terrier on a rodent. She would ask a question. I would give what I thought was an adequate answer. And she would just look at me...and wait....silently......and I would start to sweat....and then I would snap and talk some more...and some more...and some more. Even when my wife was giving me that raised eyebrow 'if you don't shut the f#*k up I'm going to garotte you with a used teatowel' look I carried on talking.
Eventually the SW would look at her watch, flip her pad shut and cheerily wave us goodbye till the next time while I lay weakly on the sofa like half a freshly squeezed orange. No pulp.
How long could I survive the weekly sessions? Not very long at this rate,
Temporarily forgetting the horrors of recent true life, what is it about torture on the silver screen that seems to fascinate people? You can divide it into 2 types I think. There's the sadistic torture of a lot of horror movies. No rhyme or reason except for the torturers own gratification. And then there's the trying to get people to talk.
Several iconic scenes in movies are etched into popular culture with their ability to scare the crap out of us by just watching someone else be induced to talk aginst their will.
Everyone knows a famous torture scene. The bit in Marathon Man where Dustin gets an improptu dental check up. The scene in Casino Royale where Daniel ruins a perfectly good chair. And, of course, the bit in Mama Mia just after the opening credits where the whole cast says and sings stuff until just before the closing credits.
People love historic torture. Castle dungeons, the spanish inquisition, witch trials...etc. It's all worryingly popular
And now of course it seems not a month goes by without word of some atrocity.
So, have you ever wondered how you would fare if someone wanted to make you talk? Would you laugh in a manly way, a la Daniel Craig? Would you remain stoic and silent? Or would you spill everything as soon as possible? What do you think you could withstand?
I know my worst torture. It happened to me. Someone wanted me to talk and I cracked under the pressure. Want to know what horrors happened to me to make such a man of steel (yes...I mean me!) prattle on like a...prattling thing?
Uncomfortable silences.
Yup...that's it...I am a wuss. And my Social Worker picked up on this like a terrier on a rodent. She would ask a question. I would give what I thought was an adequate answer. And she would just look at me...and wait....silently......and I would start to sweat....and then I would snap and talk some more...and some more...and some more. Even when my wife was giving me that raised eyebrow 'if you don't shut the f#*k up I'm going to garotte you with a used teatowel' look I carried on talking.
Eventually the SW would look at her watch, flip her pad shut and cheerily wave us goodbye till the next time while I lay weakly on the sofa like half a freshly squeezed orange. No pulp.
How long could I survive the weekly sessions? Not very long at this rate,
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