A play in 1 act.
Character List. Me - A humble peasant.
B - A Starbucks Barista.
Enter stage left.
M "Good morning. May I please have a cup of plain black coffee?"
B " Aah hello. I see that you have been coming here for 15 years and as such a loyal customer you have qualified for a Gold Loyalty card. Look it's shiny! And you can get lots of benefits."
M " Marvellous. So what benefits do I get?"
B "Well. You will always be guaranteed a seat in the window."
M "Great!"
B "Yes...all you have to do is phone us at least 2 days in advance of your visit and we will make sure you have a lovely view."
M "Ummm right....anything else?"
B "Yes. If you have any children under the age of 6 they will get an espresso ABSOLUTELY FREE when you next visit! All you have to do is notify us at least 2 days before, by phone, and we will sort that out for you."
M "Errr okaaay..well I don't usually let my kids drink caff...never mind...Anything else?"
B " Of course! We will also give you a number that you can ring at any time and get FREE advice on any coffee related matter."
M "Riiight...for, like, my many coffee related emergencies and stuff...."
B " EXACTLY!! All you have to do is ring at least 2 days before you need your coffee related advice and we will book you in for an 'advice' call at a mutually convenient time. And remember, your card is also very shiny!"
M " Can I just have my coffee please?"
B " Certainly sir. Thats £4.50 please."
M "It says £3 up there!"
B "It does sir. But that's the price for new customers who have never been here before. You, as one of our loyal and valued customers, have to pay much more!"
M "Yes. Over 30% more. And why is that?"
B (sighs) " Oh sir. Surely you must understand that large companies have to attract new customers in order to survive"
M "ummm yes, but this means 1 of 2 things. Either the price you are giving for new customers still makes you a reasonable profit, in which case the price you quoted me is ridiculous money grabbing. Or you are doing the new customers coffee at cost, which effectively means you are overcharging loyal customers in order to subsidize your new customers. Right?"
B " Don't get angry. I think you'll find everybody does it sir."
M " I don't think they all do it?"
B ( bigger sigh) " Oh sir! Please don't pretend to know anything about business. Would you like to ring our coffee related advice call booking line? They promise to use small words and speak slowly?"
M " No thanks. I would just like to pay the same price everybody else pays for their coffee if that's ok."
B "Well you could, but you don't really want to. Because we can arrange for somebody to call you with an even better price. AND they can talk you through all your coffee options! We don't just do black coffee sir! There's lattes and cappuccino's and fr........"
M " I JUST WANT A PLAIN BLACK COFFEE AT THE BEST PRICE YOU CAN GIVE ME!!!"
B "...okay sir. No need to shout. Somebody will be pleased to phone you and discuss your coffee quote in the next 2 days."
M "But I want my coffee and and to pay for it now!!! I don't want to talk to somebody else. JUST GIVE ME A BLOODY PRICE!!!!!!!!"
B "Right! That's £2.50 then...."
M "Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"
B " Well. We thought you were an idiot sir."
M " What?"
B " We thought you were an idiot...and that if we gave you something shiny that's completely worthless first you would be dumb enough to just pay a shitload of money. It's sort of like shining a torch on a wall to distract a child while you nick their sweets. Now. Coffee?"
M "Actually.....I've just noticed a Costa over the road. Think I will just pop over there thanks.."
Now, obviously this didn't happen in Starbucks. I can see this is ridulous, you can see it's ridiculous, Starbucks would be out of business very quickly if they treated their customers like this. But this is pretty much what our own 'beloved' Automobile Association decided to do to me. So bye bye.
And just see what furious revenge I have taken by having an obscure rant on my blog which no one reads. Vengence is mine. MWAhhahahahahahahahahah...etc...
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