It is with regret that I have to inform you all that I have agreed to row early on Sunday morning. I know this is not actually noteworthy, but the thing is I have not set foot in a gig, whaler, or seine boat for nearly 14 months and may be too unfit to even lift an oar. I anticipate that that after about 20 minutes I will start bleeding from the eyeballs and soon after my internal organs may show their disapproval by spontaneously erupting. To complicate the matter it seems that there is going to be the start of an extremely bad storm which is likely to capsize the boat and send my now deformed body to the deep.
I am telling you this because when my crab nibbled remains eventually wash up on a south Devon beach I anticipate you being able to read about my discovery being covered in a variety of newspapers under the following headings..
The Sun - "Hideous Prehistoric Carcass Washed Up on Devon Beach. Scientist say this is proof of Nessies existence!!"
Socialist Worker - "Bloated Capitalist Dies After Eating Own Yacht!"
The Telegraph - " HS2 Link Hits Further Snag"
The Star - "Deadly Poisonous False Widow Spider Causes Man To Turn Himself Inside Out! Minister says ' One of these bit my wife in the boob. The swelled up to 44DD! Where's the problem?'"
The Daily Mail - "Roma Launch 'Torpedo' Immigrant Attack! Insider says specially trained gypninjas are being fired through the english channel in order to explode next to Brtitish children. This could destroy the very fabric of our society........if only Diana were still here......"
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