I'm not writing this in anger or recrimination. It's not written for sympathy. It's just an explanation and a personal view which may, or may not, be shared by thousands of parents of children with problems.
My 8 year old son has difficulties. He was born with Sensory Intergration Disorders which we have known and had to deal with all his young life. He also has ADHD. Not the Daily Mail readers "AD what? Well he's just a little bugger who needs a firm hand! Never had any of this made up nonsense when I was a child. There were naughty children and good children..and he's obviously a wrong 'un!" type of ADHD. But a real, awful, tiring, confusing, hurtful little shit of a 90th percentile life destroying ADHD. He doesn't have green hair or 3 arms. He looks like a normal boy. On a good day you would think he's a perfect little boy. Even on a bad day, catch him at the right minute, and you would call him an angel. He's also big and strong. So when the clouds start to come over it makes the darkness a sometimes scary place. It's like falling into a dark pit of anger and madness. It's where normal rules do not apply, and when he drags you in there with him, a place where, as much as you try, you can't look up and see any light shining in from the top.
But here is the thing. And to some of you it may come as a shock. He doesn't want to be in there either. He doesn't want to live his life in a rage or sadness. He doesn't want to destroy. He has a soul as good as anyone I know. He has a softness around babies and animals which comes from a loving heart. He knows they won't be judging him, his crippling anxiety goes, and my son emerges beaming from behind the stormclouds.. He wants to be 'normal'. He wants to play with his friends, ride his bike, watch movies and play computer games. He wants to be liked.
Sometimes he is little pain in the backside. I mean a typical stroppy 8 year old pain. We do not have rose tinted spectacles on. We do not excuse naughty behaviour or blame all of his antics on his conditions. My son can be a lary, challenging, infuriating little boy...just as all 8 year olds should be. We want our kids to have personalities. We are not raising automatons.
But, and here we are at revelation number 2, a lot of the time he cannot help his behaviour. He cannot snap out of it. He cannot suddenly change the chemical composition of his body. he cannot realign himself instantly. Sometimes he just goes and he is lost to us and, crucially, himself. He does not want this to happen and neither do we.
And so as parents what do we do? Well I will tell you. We love him and we try to help him. We get professionals to help him. We attend never ending meetings and forums. We spend endless hours reading. We try various 'strategies' . We learn things. We buy things that might help. Take him to places that might calm him. We cuddle him when he's distraught and discipline him when he is bad. We make mistakes. Constantly. We sweep up the things that get broken and mend the ones we thing can be saved. We hide the physical scars. We take the blame for him hardly ever being invited anywhere. We make more mistakes. We feel the weight of the guilt that he has been shouted into bed instead of us stroking his hair while he drops off. We scream at him. We can't cope but find a way to cope. We hide the mental scars beneath smiles. And we carry on, because there is nothing else to do. In short, we try. As hard as we can.
And when we are out with him we watch. We don't have the luxury of not watching. At the park, in the street, at various clubs, discos,parties, we very rarely drop him off and leave. Even if we do the time is never spent relaxing. It's a constant battle to stop the brainworm of worry burying into your thoughts. We don't use the time to do a bit of shopping or go to the pub or just go home and sit down. We stay, and we may have a chat with other parents and a bit of a laugh. But we mostly watch.
It's interesting what you see when you really watch. Maybe another child slyly kick your son under a table. Or children moving their chairs away so they don't have to sit next to him. Or maybe making faces at him. My boy rarely goes into any situation except school without wearing a peaked hat or hood. The fact he is wearing it makes him feel safer. A bit more secure. It is a coping mechanism. a way of dealing with the world. If his disabilities were physical instead of mental you would call it a crutch. Other children take his hat off. Constantly. They steal it and hide it. Imagine someone with walking difficulties constantly having their crutch stolen. How anxious and insecure would that person feel? My son gets jumped on , kids hang off his neck, they bump him. Remember he is twice the size of most of them. He does things too. He's annoying believe me. But we are watching. So when we see our son getting over excited and we try to intervene. Not too much. He has to learn to cope with the situations. But we still have to sit there and watch. All the stuff that goes on. We watch as he gets more confused because he is being pulled up for things other kids are getting away with. We watch as he tries desperately to fit in. We watch as we see the disappointment in his face when he is excluded from a game he wants to play with his friends And we suck it all up with breaking hearts, because we don't blame the other kids, they are just being kids. They are doing the same little slightly naughty things that a million other kids are doing all day long. And I don't blame the parents. They have raised good kids and If I were able to not watch, I most certainly wouldn't.
But the trouble is children learn a lot of social interaction from other kids. They absorb things from their friends and then reflect that behaviour back to them. The sad thing is with my son is that he doesn't just learn and absorb behaviour. In an effort to fit in he sometimes amplifies it. So if he sees a kid wiggling their bottom for a joke he will copy that and do it to everybody. If a child hits him he will hit someone else, but harder. If a child swears at him he will shout that swearword at someone else. So what do we do? Do we not put him in any situation at all? Do we turn him into a pariah? A social leper? How is he ever going to learn if we do that? What problems will arise if we only let him out into the world at 16 totally unable to cope with any social situation?
So we sit and we watch. And occasionally accidents happen. Usually not through nastiness or anger, but from being over boisturess. Usually from a desperate desire to do what other children are doing. We know because we are there watching. And if need be we will take the occasional anger from other parents. We will take the looks and not listen to the whispers.We are genuinely apologetic for things that happen. We will suck up all the bullets aimed at the boy. We have no choice.
All we ask is that people just take a minute to try and understand. Take a minute to think. And maybe just occaisionally really watch. Maybe things might not always seem so cut and dried. .....or maybe you will be watching on one of the times when my son is being a little git and is totally to blame, which would be about par for the course. In either case, thank you for trying.
I am running a half marathon on 2nd march for Brainwave who are a magnificient charity who help kids like my son. Any money I raise will be used to help other children on their program as Dan has finished his course for the moment. If you can help please donate here
https://www.justgiving.com/Simon-Geen
No comments:
Post a Comment