A Frustrated Rant - Simons Blog

 A play in 1 act.
Character List. Me - A humble peasant.
                         B - A Starbucks Barista.

Enter stage left.
M "Good morning. May I please have a cup of plain black coffee?"
B " Aah hello. I see that you have been coming here for 15 years and as such a loyal customer you have qualified for a Gold Loyalty card. Look it's shiny! And you can get lots of benefits."
M " Marvellous. So what benefits do I get?"
B "Well. You will always be guaranteed a seat in the window."
M "Great!"
B "Yes...all you have to do is phone us at least 2 days in advance of your visit and we will make sure you have a lovely view."
M "Ummm right....anything else?"
B "Yes. If you have any children under the age of 6 they will get an espresso ABSOLUTELY FREE when you next visit! All you have to do is notify us at least 2 days before, by phone, and we will sort that out for you."
M "Errr okaaay..well I don't usually let my kids drink caff...never mind...Anything else?"
B " Of course! We will also give you a number that you can ring at any time and get FREE advice on any coffee related matter."
M "Riiight...for, like, my many coffee related emergencies and stuff...."
B " EXACTLY!! All you have to do is ring at least 2 days before you need your coffee related advice and we will book you in for an 'advice' call at a mutually convenient time. And remember, your card is also very shiny!"
M " Can I just have my coffee please?"
B " Certainly sir. Thats £4.50 please."
M "It says £3 up there!"
B "It does sir. But that's the price for new customers who have never been here before. You, as one of our loyal and valued customers, have to pay much more!"
M "Yes. Over 30% more. And why is that?"
B (sighs) " Oh sir. Surely you must understand that large companies have to attract new customers in order to survive"
M "ummm yes, but this means 1 of 2 things. Either the price you are giving for new customers still makes you a reasonable profit, in which case the price you quoted me is ridiculous money grabbing. Or you are doing the new customers coffee at cost, which effectively means you are overcharging loyal customers in order to subsidize your new customers. Right?"
B " Don't get angry. I think you'll find everybody does it sir."
M " I don't think they all do it?"
B ( bigger sigh) " Oh sir! Please don't pretend to know anything about business. Would you like to ring our coffee related advice call booking line? They promise to use small words and speak slowly?"
M " No thanks. I would just like to pay the same price everybody else pays for their coffee if that's ok."
B "Well you could, but you don't really want to. Because we can arrange for somebody to call you with an even better price. AND they can talk you through all your coffee options! We don't just do black coffee sir! There's lattes and cappuccino's and fr........"
M " I JUST WANT A PLAIN BLACK COFFEE AT THE BEST PRICE YOU CAN GIVE ME!!!"
B "...okay sir. No need to shout. Somebody will be pleased to phone you and discuss your coffee quote in the next 2 days."
M "But I want my coffee and and to pay for it now!!! I don't want to talk to somebody else. JUST GIVE ME A BLOODY PRICE!!!!!!!!"
B "Right! That's £2.50 then...."
M "Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"
B " Well. We thought you were an idiot sir."
M " What?"
B " We thought you were an idiot...and that if we gave you something shiny that's completely worthless first you would be dumb enough to just pay a shitload of money. It's sort of like shining a torch on a wall to distract a child while you nick their sweets. Now. Coffee?"
M "Actually.....I've just noticed a Costa over the road. Think I will just pop over there thanks.."

Now, obviously this didn't happen in Starbucks. I can see this is ridulous, you can see it's ridiculous, Starbucks would be out of business very quickly if they treated their customers like this. But this is pretty much what our own 'beloved' Automobile Association decided to do to me. So bye bye.
And just see what furious revenge I have taken by having an obscure rant on my blog which no one reads. Vengence is mine. MWAhhahahahahahahahahah...etc...

Just answer the question.........Adoption Diary

How do you find the words to convince somebody you're not racist? How do you clearly express you're views on ethnicity? Or multi culturalism?
How do you frame a response to somebody proposing that you would not be able to promote to a child it's heritage and culture?
Ever thought about that?
No me neither.

When we closed the door to the Social Worker after her first visit we had much to ponder. She had agreed that we would be suitable to start the assessment which could lead to us becoming adopters. But there were a few caveats. The flat we were in was probably too small. There were stone steps directly outside leading to a road. We were near a pub. We were harbouring a portal to the underworld in our bathroom....... Ok the last one wasn't true but you get my drift.
The only thing to do was move. Easier said than done in a small town when we were going to have drop half of our income as one of us would quit there job when a child came along. It took at least 2 months from that initial visit to when the SW was ready to start the assessment. We didn't rest on our laurels. We house hunted. We furniture hunted. We looked for more suitable employment. We found every type of certificate we had. Birth, marriage, parents birth, parents marriage, driving licence, passport. My PHD was brought out and dusted off .(But as this was actually a Politeness and Helpfulness Diploma I was given from primary school I'm not sure how relevant it was)

What the hell I didn't think about was what questions they would actually ask. So when the SW next came around and showed us the weighty stack of papers with their weighty questions which would eventually be transformed into something called a 'Form F'(???), I dialled into my inner voice of calm reassurance, but found only white noise and something that sounded suspiciously like sobbing.......
There were sections on your family, your support systems, your life experiences, your beliefs, etc.etc.
A scary assault course in a noble quest for what is known as.....approval.

But then the SW starts to talk, and the questions start to get broken down into specifics. Small bitesize chunks. It's not easy, but it becomes less daunting. Do not be put off. And don't be afraid to talk. Eventually what you really want to say will come out. ( In my case wrapped in a whole lot of waffle).
Take the first question of this post. I'm proud to say that when I thought about it I realized that the best example I could ever give was something my wife had said years before. As a young woman she worked in a shop where one of the men working with her was a hugely disruptive influence. He just happened to be black. Anyway matters came to a head one day and an argument started. As it got more heated he shouted at my wife "You don't like me cos I'm black!" To which my wife replied without a single moments hesitation " I don't like you cos you're a prat!"
Just think about that. How many people would have pulled that answer because of who they were talking to? How many people would have hesitated and thought about it? Negative descrimination or positive descrimination, it still means you are thinking about a mans colour. My wife didn't. She saw a man who was acting like a prat and needed to be told that he was acting like a prat. As a man who has lived with her for over 20 years, I can confirm it's a mantra which she adheres to this day.

So you see. However small or insignificant you think an answer can be, there's always an answer.

And so onward to the SW weekly visits. Could it be I would actually start to not worry about them? Well we'll see....

Can i have a long weight please?

It must have happened to all of us. You're sitting there, picking your nose, idly wondering if Jeremy Kyle could be persuaded to mimic David Blaine and bury himself, and pondering where life is taking you. Then an advert grabs your attention.
" Fly to New York for JUST £10!!!!" it screams. Yup CattleAirs latest offer seems to good to miss. So you think 'Yeah...I...I could do that. I want to see New York! SOD IT lets go!'
 You fire up the laptop, which takes forever cos windows, apparentley, didn't close properly last time (poor windows). You find the website, and there is the banner. 'Click here to fly to New York for JUST £10' it says. So, with a finger now trembling with excitement, you click on it.

Up pops the new page...and the first question is......"Where would you like to fly to?"
Well...New York! I clicked on the thing saying fly to New York so I want to got to New York. Sorry if I wasn't being obvious.... So you scroll all the way down to U...... for America. Seriously how many other Countries do you know with america in the title apart from the united one? You find the city, you find the airport. You click on them..... and then you  gradually begin to realize that the prospect of getting this done and dusted before the 'Loose Women' theme tune fires up is pretty remote...Indeed 'Deal or No Deal' might just have to wait until Channel 4 +1.

So you go through dates and times. You go through personal details. You go through personal details again because one answer didn't match what you put later. You go through the people your travelling with. How do you know them. Why are you travelling with them. Are you hoping to come back with them. Where exactly were you hoping to sit. How do....
...the phone rings..
You, like a fool, answer it. Seriously? You can save me money on my phone, mobile,internet and wash my towels? What do I have to do? Switch to BT? I'M ALREADY WITH BT!! You're talking to me on a BT line! Do your research and bugger off!!!!
And back to the computer...except you have been away from the page too long and it's timed out...details gone. Your excitement, at this time, has waned somewhat, but you have invested too much of your time already to give up now. Doggedly you press on, times, dates, travellers, done, oh yes! Next.  Baggage. Bugger. Forgot about the baggage. We all have some, and you can't hide it so better to declare it now..
And on and on it goes...until you think you've cracked it....but the dates aren't available...or the email isn't correct...or something needs to be verified.

 Finally, sat in pitch black because you felt unable to move to put a light on, with a slightly cracked screen from all the frustrated whacks it has taken, and an eye twitching like Dreyfus after a Clouseau visit, you have a screen in front of you. You can fly to New Jersey, in the standing section, for a mere £875 plus tax. Confirm?
 And now it's just got serious. Because it's not quite what you expected when you started. It's all changed. It's all different. It's a serious commitment....but you have put so much time and so much effort into getting this far. You have to ask yourself. Did I want this holiday just on a whim? Or is there something inside telling me that I NEED this holiday? And if thats the case, just shut one eye and hit confirm. Cos it could be the best time of your life.

Now times that experience by 100...and you get some idea of how an assesment for adoption goes.

This isn't said to put anyone off. But anyone who saw those adverts featuring young kids and voiceover saying something like ' If you think you can give little Timmy a home, ring this number' and actually thinks they could adopt Timmy, may be a bit delusional. Brangelina will probably have got there years before you....But if you really want to adopt, and you're patient, good things can happen

But none of it begins until after your initial visit from the social worker and those wonderful words ' I think you could be suitable adopters...I will contact you soon to start the assessment'
...soon, in adoption, has a whole new meaning.....

If you Must shout at the telly, it is probably better to aim your cutting diatribe involving the state of the nation, the incompetence of MP's, & the breakdown of local services, towards some unknown civil servant on Newsnight...rather than berate the terminally useless Postman Pat for losing his bovine delivery up a cliff...this not only makes you look like a twat, but can terrify your 3 yr old.....

Christmas Plays

It really doesn't matter the size of the part that your child has in the school play or nativity. It doesn't matter if they just take part in a song or a dance. It doesn't matter if they have a speaking part or not. It doesn't matter if they are talented or not. What matters is that your child is up there, taking part. What matters is the magic that a group of kids wearing teatowels, sheets and facial expressions which go from smiling goofiness, to borderline panic, to an almost furious concentration can create.
What matter is the tradition......
....and as such I have had a quick read of the ol good book and have unsuccesfully managed to find the bit where Joseph, standing to the rear of the room, manages to miss the entire birth of the baby Jesus but has a remarkably clear view of a huge cows arse who has stood up to film her calf who is waving maniacally from behind the manger...
...and now I'm the one in trouble apparently! As I told the police, I was merely trying to move her out of the way and totally forgot the tazer was in my hand..

The Social Worker cometh

Isn't it funny how the addition of an s, changing a single to plural,  can sometimes turn something that is ridiculed into something to be be feared.....at least in the eyes of our lovely popular press.
Take a social worker. Depictions in 70's sitcoms and much of the fourth estate seem to fall into 3 main catagories.
1) The timid 'earth mother'. Usually wearing glasses and a kaftan she wafts around dropping things, espousing hippy philosophies of love and togetherness, quietly smelling of various herbal therapies...and having her bike nicked.
2) The angry lesbian. Short haired, wearing DM's and furious sense of her own place in the world. She condems men as the sole reason the earth is going to hell in a handcart and spitting angry phlegm at any male who may brush against her in tescos as a potential rapist.
3) The world weary scouser. Straight from Alan Bleasdale central casting. Hangdog and shabby. Broken from years of trying to fight the good fight and trying to keep Marx from being given the mother of all wedgies from nasty capitalism.

Wether you believe in these stereotypes or not they all depict people to be made fun of. They are safe to be laughed at, certainly not scared of. But the press CAN make you scared of them, when they want to. They add an s. Think back to any inflammatory story about child care involving local authorities. All of a sudden 'social workers' raid homes, ripping children from families. 'Social workers' come early in the morning and destroy lives. The Social Service is a bumbling, farcical institution. Social Services is a Terminator like machine, grinding peoples bones into the dust before hordes of rabid social workers swarm in to clean up the kills. The SAS has nothing on Social Services.

I don't say any of this to praise or condem social workers. I know none of the details of any situation involving social work except that which affects my children. I suspect, like any walk of life, there are good and bad ones. I only mention it because, prior to my wife contacting social services to ask to be assessed  to be an adopter, I had never met a social worker. And I read newspapers......

I like to think of myself as a fairly sane, reasonably intelligent bloke, and I am aware that , ultimately, newspapers only exist to sell newspapers, but as I sat in my flat awaiting my first contact with the woman who could quite possibly change my life forever, you cannot imagine the thoughts racing through my enfeebled mind. Would the knock on the door be too timid and quite for me too hear? Did I have the right tools to rehang the door if she just decided to kick it in? If I try to shake hands will she put me in a headlock? Have I got enough wheatgrass smoothie? Should I have displayed a well thumbed copy of The Socialist Worker artfully on the coffee table? Why was I being so mental?

And then the knock came. A normal knock. And I opened the door. And there was a woman there. And she smiled and shook my hand. And she came in and sat down. And she said she'd like just an ordinary cup of tea. PG Tips. And she talked about the traffic and parking and the weather. And it was....well...normal...
Surely this must be some kind of trap.......

Handy tips. An overview

Before we get to the specifics of dealing with unique situations involving your kids a general overview is required. I think if you follow these helpful steps most situations can be dealt with swiftly and effectively.

1) Assess wether the incident is your fault and liable to get you into trouble  with your wife. For example, check if the flour currently creating a Mumbai type smog in your kitchen was left in low down position by you and not put back in cupboard as requested by aformentioned wife. Or, did the 3 yr olds epic tumble down the hill be caused by you accidently dressing him in your 7 yr old shoes?
If yes, immediately show sympathy to child. Hugs, kisses...maybe the odd bribe to get them to stop crying. Admission of guilt is always preferable as, after the initial shock of seeing their little boy with a huge graze down his nose but grinning and eating a massive ice cream at 8.30 in the morning, you can be sure a forensic investigation worthy of Columbo will ensue. This will , of course, lead to the inevitable verdict that you are an idiot.
If however it is not your fault, go to step2.

2) Do you have any equipment to record the situation to hand? If possible get a video of an ongoing incident, or, if you can, try to get them to recreate it. After all, if they have succesfully managed to remove their head from the cows arse once, chances are they can do it again.
If this is not possible, remember to at least get a picture of the aftermath. After all, a photo of a childs newly 'Veeted' I thought it was shampoo baldy head will always bring a tear of nostalgia.
A visual record is always a must because as long as Harry Hill breathes, there is always the possibility of leeching £250 from ITV for revelling in your sons misfortune.

3) Check if child is ok. Now some of you may think this should probably be done before steps 1 and 2...but we are talking a possible £250 and your eventual stroppy teenagers endless embarrasement here. Play the long game!
If child is ok go to step 4

4) Laugh and point, safe in the knowledge that you are 'toughening them up' for lifes arduous struggle. There is the distinct possibility that they may hate you for evermore...but you can be smug in the knowledge that you have enough recorded evidence to at least make them sit through a christmas dinner with you in 10 years time with some degree of civility...........As long as their new girlfriend is in front of the tv and you keep your finger hovering over the 'play' button.

5) Remember to bore the pants off your friends with endless anecdotes about your kids 'hilarious' incidents!

..........oh....no wait hang on a minute.......